Deena BinghamMy friends illness, brain fog, procrastination, fear, anxiety, panic and frustration are a few of the many reason I haven’t written in the past 3 months. I know that many of you feel these same emotions as I do!
After just about a year of not being in the hospital, I became ill in February and had to be hospitalized, I have written one post since, Lupus and My Faith, but that was a very difficult post for me to write. When my Lupus Meningitis flares it becomes very difficult for me to form words or even think for a few weeks or even months after. This time wasn’t as long, which I am very thankful for, though I had a hard time nonetheless processing information, this was not the entire reason for my blogging absence. It was just the beginning of a long course of events that prevented and paralyzed me from being able to write.
My brain fog eventually turned into procrastination, that horrible habit of putting something off or delaying something that needs to be done. I did have many reasons to procrastinate. I have a family, a farm, a church, an illness and a whole host of other reasons but, none of these really prevented me from writing. I could have found the time if I really wanted to.
At this point, my good friends, fear and anxiety came to visit and paralyzed me. I started having massive panic attacks telling myself that I wasn’t good enough, asking myself, “who am I that people would want to read my posts”, I began to feel like a fraud, because like every other human being I have moments of failure. Moments when I am not at my best, not eating right, not doing what I am supposed to be doing and not practicing what I am preaching! I felt that my first few posts were too long, that I said everything that I could really say and that couldn’t possibly have anymore to talk about that people wanted to hear. As usual I started something with every ounce of my being (remember me mentioning in previous posts that I tend to fixate and get a little obsessive), and spent 24/7 doing nothing but thinking about this blog! This as expected led to a bit of burnout and me thinking I can’t do this, because I can’t possibly do a million things (wife, mother, writer, blogger, friend, Christian, driver, housewife, farm owner, business owner, monitor my health etc.) and do them well. I needed to find balance, which I am constantly telling others to find! Hence, I was feeling like a total hypocrite. I have since come to the realization that I do have something that you all want to hear, I am qualified because in the past ten years I have been through it all, no I am not a fraud and yes I am human and I have moments! It’s okay. I know now that I can take care of myself, blog and all those other things, I just have to, as stated previously a bunch of times, find my balance. This state of fear, anxiety and panic lasted me through the entire months of April and May :-).
Going in to June I then turned to my other friend, frustration. At this point knowing I’ve been a silly goose I really wanted to write, but alas, ironically, I really did become extremely busy and felt very frustrated at myself for being such a procrastinator. Knowing that I didn’t write for three months then led me again to my friends, panic and anxiety because I then felt it had been too long and no one would come back to read them It was too late! My blog had failed!
Well here I sit, taking a little sabbatical in Florida, having just helped drive the kids in my daughter’s youth group to camp and not having to stay, only to help drive them back in a week. I’ve come to the realization that I don’t have to write a book every time I write, I can have bad grammar and know one will care, (other than my friends who are English majors), I can write short blogs, long blogs, musing & tidbits and everything in between, that it is okay to be a little unpredictable. And last but not least, I hope, I have realized that I did not lose a following, that it didn’t matter if I had, I do this as a calling to help others and even if that is only one person, I have done what I have been called to do!
Remember it’s a process; illness, brain Fog, procrastination, fear, anxiety, panic, frustration and every emotion in between are all a part of living with a chronic condition and a part of life! Find your balance, find your joy, pick yourself up when you fail and try again, baby steps!
Again, thanks for listening and being a part of my journey!
Your Friend, Deena 🙂
