Deena Bingham
Hi friends, I’ve missed you! It has been about three months since I have posted anything of major substance. There have been some life and health changes during these months. To begin with my daughter decided to retire from gymnastics. Something that she has been doing for the past six years. We won’t get into the details of how this has affected her life, because that is her story to tell, but I will tell you about how this has brought about major changes in my life. As I tell my children, the only constant in life is change, but sometimes these changes derail us for a bit.
For the past few years I was driving my daughter almost two hours away, five days a week and having to “kill” 4 1/2 hours a day. I started to look for outlets for my time, some were healthy, some were not. Volunteering and this blog being one of the many healthy things that evolved from this self exploration. Most of all I began a genuine effort to focus on my health. I was walking daily, eating right and my mental outlook had slowly improved through my concentrated efforts. Even though at times it was a struggle to get out of the house, driving her to the gym and waiting gave me a purpose. It allowed me to focus on my meals, I had to pack them daily so that I wouldn’t eat out, eat fast food or spend too much money. I focused on walking and this allowed me to spend more time with God, enjoy nature and be active. The health benefits were huge! Not to mention the fact that being away from home that many hours a day made me more organized and purposeful about my day. I had to be proactive in planning and this allowed me to concentrate on tasks that I could bring with me because, quite frankly, I had nothing else to distract me. All I had to do was sit and wait.
Many of you know me as the outgoing, happy person who will talk to anyone. I am that person but there is also a side of me that really needs to be alone at times and disconnected from the outside world. I get so involved and tuned into people, their lives and emotions. I throw my entire self into interacting with people and I love this about myself! I would wilt away without that personal contact. The downside is that I am literally exhausted after these intense interactions. I am exactly 50% introvert and 50% extrovert. Once my extrovert side is done the introvert takes over and demands that I refuel. Being 80 miles away from home everyday allowed me to do this. I had no commitments because I didn’t live there.
Now that I have explained what I did everyday, I can tell you why I have been in limbo for the past three months! In theory, not driving everyday, was supposed to be awesome. More time at home, do more projects, concentrate on the farm, the things I could do were endless (in my mind), unfortunately this did not happen. I couldn’t concentrate or get motivated. I stopped eating as well and walking as much. The health formula that I worked so hard to find was slowly crumbling away. I was spiraling fast, mentally and physically. To counteract this I joined the gym. The competitive athlete in me wouldn’t allow me to just show up at the gym when I felt like it. I joined classes and I made commitments. Early morning commitments. Not a good idea for someone with a chronic disease who cannot always just jump out of bed. Waking up early and working out was using most of my SPOONS for the day and was not healthy for me. I slowly realized I need to go back to just hiking and walking, why mess with a good thing. Walking works for me. The hard part is getting back into the routine of doing it.
Next came, “Wow! I have more time to volunteer and be a part of my community again”, being who I am, the term moderation does not exist in my vocabulary. This is a character flaw that I am seriously trying to work on. Not only did I start volunteering, I volunteered with children and two different projects no less. Add in Hospice Volunteer and still driving my children places, all of my time was slowly melting away. There was no time for me to be healthy; spirtually, physically or mentally. The hardest part of wanting to be a part of your community and having a disease like Lupus is all of the times that you feel unreliable or incompetent because you have to make the choice not to show up that day. I have to make those choices all the time and it makes me sad. The other day I had to tell one of the programs I volunteer with that I couldn’t help them with their fall festival. This festival was planned for a couple months and I truly wanted to be there but unfortunately the festival was at a nursing facility and having been fighting an infection for several weeks I couldn’t go. Germs found in facilities and being around all of the children was not a healthy choice for someone with a suppressed immune system. These are decisions that those suffering with a chromic illness have to make on a daily basis. This can make us think we are unreliable or flaky to others, honestly I am harder on myself than others are on me. I try and let people know my limitations ahead of time, so that when I do have to say I can’t be there, then they aren’t blindsided. This does not make it easier though. It often makes me very sad and frustrated.
I am still trying to find my new normal, work in the parameters that I have and be healthy. Even though I was derailed for a bit, I will start over once again, pick myself and keep trying one baby step at a time. Routine is important for everyone, but vital for those of us with a chronic condition! If you take anything away from this post, take away that you will fail, you will struggle and life will always throw obstacles in your path but as long as you keep getting up and getting on that path again you will be okay. Right now I feel a bit deflated and frustrated because I have Lupus, but I promise not to let it make me feel that way for long. I have to take my own advice to define how I live, not allow my circumstances or the Lupus to define my life for me and get my routine back!
Once again, thank you for sharing my journey with me and being a part of my life.
God Bless you and keep fighting the good fight.
Deena
